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Happy New Year? :)

I feel strange. I've been rereading this post and I thought that I had no idea, couldn't predict how 2012 would turn out. None of us could, but still, in the grander scheme of things, I could never in my life have expected half of what had happened. None of them were pleasant surprises, either.

2012 broke my family, sent me back to the soul-sucking job I hated the first time around (and so far I'm not faring much better), broke relationships that I counted on, brought on a whole number of health issues for me and those close to me... it wasn't a good year. It made me realize my age for the first time for real, and to see so clearly how much more difficult being alone will be with every passing year from now on.

I know that it could have been much worse, but I still selfishly hope that this was the rock bottom, and that from now on it'll be on the uprise. Hey, it's New Year, a girl can hope. ;)

Creatively speaking, I've been all over the place, and not in a good way, although some things weren't so bad. I wrote 213071 words of fic this year: 172985 for Merlin and 40086 for XMFC, my unexpected new love. That's not counting kink meme fills that will forever remain anonymous. I've been a bad girl again.

I have effectively left the Star Trek fandom. I never made any exit manifesto or anything, never saw any reason to, but the truth of the matter is that I haven't written a single word of fic for it for an entire year, for longer than that, if I'm to be honest, and I can't see myself ever writing for it again. It's important to understand that it wasn't a decision I made at some point, it's just what happened. I'm not saying never again when it comes to ST, because saying never has a tendency to bite you in the ass when you least expect it, but realistically the probability of me writing for it again is very low. I'm sorry. I guess I've said it all.

Overall thoughts:
I've been both stronger than I've ever been this year writing-wise and weaker than I've been since my very first fics ever. I've been disappointed and surprised and happy and defeated. Sometimes about the same work. :)

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?
XMFC. I never expected it to happen, because I'd seen the movie when it was out in 2011, and, while I liked it, I distinctly remember thinking that it was a slasher's paradise and that I'd never write for it, what a shame. I honestly don't know what happened. I just started reading and then I started writing.

What's your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest?
Curve Fitting. I think. It was one of the few that wrote itself, and you know how I love that. I love my characters there, and well, it was a happy place.

What's your least favorite story of the year?
Oh, that'll be a tough contest between lengthy kink meme fills. I think it's a tie between A Change of Pace and the other one. I actually wish I never wrote either of them.

My best story of this year:
No idea. Yeah, this time I got nothing.

My most popular story of this year:
Accidentally Welcome to the Rest of Your Lives. I think it has more to do with it being short and with the XMFC fandom in general being so much more generous than any other fandom I've ever been in than with the story itself. I mean, it's cute, sure, but... well. This is the first time any story of mine broke 500 kudos barrier, which is nothing for some, but a lot for me, and I maintain that it has more to do with the people in that fandom than with the story itself. I like it, though. Wouldn't call it top quality, but yeah, it's kinda cute.

For Merlin, it would be Time Forward. I'd say that writing-wise, this work is... challenged. But I wasn't after a writing award when working on it. It wasn't even work. That story is basically 'it hurt and I wrote.' It seems to have hit close to home for a lot of people.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:
Dew Point. The amount of work that went into it, all the research, the language quest, the plot, the sex, the universe... well, it was a lot of work, and personally in my opinion the result was equal to it. This story is largely popular with strangers, people I don't know, people who just happened into the fandom, but I guess I was writing it for my friends, and most of them, it so happened, ignored it completely. I think quality-wise it's the best Merlin story I've ever written (barring maybe Let Us Dare), and it was a bit of a pain to have it slip by unnoticed by people who mattered to me.

Most fun story to write:
Curve Fitting, By Faint Indirections. New love is new, what can I say? :)

Most Unintentionally Telling Story:
Ahaha, Time Forward. It's ironic that I never realized exactly how telling it was until long after when talking to someone about a very different thing. That story made me subconsciously relive certain situations in my own life that I suppressed or tried never to dwell on anymore. I always have this image of myself of that quiet person to whom nothing ever happens, and that story literally made me look back and realize that those things have happened to me, and those too, and those, and somehow I moved on without moving on. That was a bit of a shock. :)

2013:
Predictions are clearly not a gratifying business, but, unless I'm fired one of these days, sadly, I predict I'll write a lot less in the new year. I won't have the time to get into the headspace, and once I get there, I won't have the time to write. I think this is the most depressing thought for me right now, because already I can feel the withdrawal symptoms. I need to write to be happy, I wish with everything that I am that I'll have the chance.

You'll also see less of me in 2013. If ever you're curious if I'm showing the signs of being alive at all, check my Tumblr. Most days I'm there at least for a few minutes. That's the fastest way to reach me currently, barring email.

Part of me mourns all this and wishes that things had never changed. But realistically I know that I couldn't have stayed the way I was forever, that I needed to move on with my life, no matter how sweet and comfortable my escape method has been. I'm going to miss you, I'm going to be striving to get back to you, I'm going to want to be able to turn back time at least five times on an average day, but it is what it is. Maybe it's time to stop hiding.

Wishing you all a brilliant and lucky 2013!
xxx

Comments

( 3 punches — Punch it )
bgaleb
Jan. 13th, 2013 12:48 am (UTC)
I remember when that happened, I just didn't know it was you because it was an anonymous thread. I hated those anons so much! I tracked them back to a community dedicated to ranting about fanfiction and demanded they reveal their names. Then I told them exactly how I felt about them, and why everything they said was wrong. (I never used so many F-words in my life. lol) They banned me, as one of my friends put it, from a " community dedicated to hate and discontent," fuckers!! Just thought I should let you know, to cheer you up.
kianspo
Jan. 15th, 2013 08:04 pm (UTC)
Wow, that's... I don't even know what to say. Thank you. :) I mean, you shouldn't have done it, because well, that's the internet for you, and you should just save yourself some nerve cells whenever possible, but I'm touched that you felt like defending me. I don't feel entirely innocent, and I regretted the whole damn thing so many times, but people so rarely stand up for me that honestly, I'm really at a loss on what to say. Thanks for being awesome. <3
bgaleb
Jan. 16th, 2013 01:59 am (UTC)
Ah, it's nothing... Besides,you are very talented, you bring joy to so many people's lives! Why should you feel guilt or regret anything? I'll PM you.
( 3 punches — Punch it )

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